Firebend Mind Ruins– Our Bard-on-the-street reports that a pitched battle is currently in progress in the ruins of the old Firebend Mind. A group of eight adventurers has been ambushed by a Rat Swarm and is resorting to Luck Stones and Quickness Potions to turn the tide. When asked, the party’s Barbarian had this to say: “We turned the corner, and there they were. We didn’t ask for this fight. But as soon as we stepped into the room, they were just everywhere. You wouldn’t think a little rat could bite that hard, but when there’s, like, a hundred of them? Not cool.”
We managed to speak with one of the rats during a shift change and got quite a different story. “They just come stomping in here, don’t they? With their big boots. So much stomping. They don’t even look for tails. So what are we gonna do? Just sit there and get stomped on? No way. Not us. We’re little, but we stick together. Maybe next time those boots will look where they’re going.”
BREAKING NEWS: Firebend Mind – Our Bard-on-the-street reports that a pitched battle is currently in progress in the ruins of the old Firebend Mind. A group of eight adventurers has been ambushed by a Rat Swarm and is resorting to Luck Stones and Quickness Potions to turn the tide. When asked, the party’s Barbarian had this to say: “We turned the corner and there they were. We didn’t ask for this fight. But as soon as we stepped into the room, they were just everywhere. You wouldn’t think a little rat could bite that hard, but when there’s, like, a hundred of them? Not cool.”We managed to speak with one of the rats during a shift change, and got quite a different story. “They just come stomping in here, don’t they? With their big boots. So much stomping. They don’t even look for tails. So what are we gonna do? Just sit there and get stomped on? No way. Not us. We’re little, but we stick together. Maybe next time those boots will look where they’re going.”More on this story as it develops.
“Those Druids…this was not your typical innocent forest magic”
ArchDruid Mannda
Greenbriar Forest: A group of adventurers caused quite a stir in the Greenbriar Forest today when they disrupted a ritual led by our own ArchDruid Mannda, head of the local cheesemakers guild. We caught up with the group, and their Monk told us we were lucky they happened by. “Those Druids…this was not your typical innocent forest magic,” he said. “If they had finished that ritual, the whole town could have been destroyed by…whatever they were trying to conjure. We didn’t really get a good look at it, but man, was it ugly.”ArchDruid Mannda calls this claim ludicrous. “Ugly? We were communing with a mold spirit, very important in the cheese business, you understand. Not the prettiest, but…ugly? They marched right in and attacked. We barely escaped into the forest. You know why Druids do their magic way out in the woods? Here’s a hint: It’s not because we want company.” In other news, local blue cheese production is down forty percent this month, and yogurt futures have tanked in the Sorcado markets. More on this developing story as it unfolds.
Medusa: We’ve just learned that a group of adventurers has encountered Medusa in the old Draskin Dungeon. Our Bard-on-the-street reports that Medusa faced off against a Cleric in an epic battle. We managed to catch up with the Cleric after the fight, and she had this to say:“We were just minding our own business, looking for glowworm slime, like you do. Didn’t even hear the hissing until it was too late. And honestly, it was all a big misunderstanding. Medusa, you know, she’s not much in the hairstyling department. But that skin…wow! She just glows, and it’s not from the slime. I was going to ask her what moisturizer she uses, but she barely let me get a word in. Just came after us. So what were we gonna do?”
Medusa tells a slightly different version: “So there I was, skulking around the dungeon, like you do. And here comes this woman. Could tell right away she was one of THOSE. Tall and blond, shiny armor. Never had to tame an unruly snake cowlick in her life, and let me tell you, those are absolutely the worst. You think helmet hair is bad? Try Black Mamba bedhead. So anyway, here she comes, and I’m just not in the mood. She starts talking about serums and glycolic acids and I don’t even wait around to hear what kind of garbage she’s selling. Those multi-level marketers…always the hard sell. Only way to shut them up is to turn them to stone. Anyway, I don’t think she’ll be peddling her oxygen-infused, Vitamin-C night cream down here anytime soon, that’s all I got to say.”
Sorcado Letter to the Editor:
The opinions, beliefs, and viewpoints expressed by the authors published in the Sorcado Gazette’s editorial section do not necessarily reflect the opinions, beliefs, and viewpoints of the Gazette or official policies of the government of Sorcado.
They say there’s a demon lord. As a senior First Class Black Belt Four Star Demonologist, head of Occult Sciences at Sorcado University (Go Grypheagles!), and contributor to more than three hundred scholarly papers published in peer-reviewed journals around the globe, I’m here to tell you that there absolutely is a demon lord.
Now don’t get excited. Yes, the demon world has a lord. It also has earls, viceroys, untold numbers of dukes, countless counts, and more than one patrician (those are the ones to watch). When properly summoned using the correct sigils, protective circles, and the correct species of blood for the ritual, any of these demons can be helpful servants for the trained occult practitioner. Over the years I’ve found most of them to be surprisingly witty, and most are glad of the chance to escape their fiery, desolate, sulphur-choked plain and interact with an educated summoner, particularly one who is well versed in current events and local sports statistics.
The chances of any of these minor demon nobility breaking free from a properly invoked circle are nearly zero.
And the chance of the actual demon lord…the actual lord of all the actual demons escaping the seal that has bound him for a century is just laughable. The necessary elements for such a disaster are long lost to science, relegated to mythology, stories for old women on cold, snowy nights.
No, Sorcado need not fear the return of the demon lord. I’ll stake my professional reputation on it. The only thing we have to fear is a repeat of last week’s shockingly bad refereeing, which denied our beloved Gypheagles a well-deserved victory over the Marshwether Minotaurs, and that, my friends, is something even a demon couldn’t escape.
Politics: The Sorcado Gazette is proud to bring you the latest political news from all over our great kingdom. A battle for Mistshire’s vacant City Council seat is heating up between Vikktorya, a Centaur of the Redfletch Clan, and Bernardus, Forgemaster of Shadowwell. When asked about rumors of a demon lord returning to raize Sorcado to ash, this is what the candidates had to say. Vikktorya: “I’ve been watching this news carefully, and when I’m elected to City Council, I have a plan to keep our town safe should a demon lord situation arise. You can find my detailed, ten-point proposition on file with my candidacy declaration. In short, as a council member, I will have the full support of the Redfletch Clan’s archers, who, as you will recall, won the Centaur Cup last year with full marks for both still target and trick shots. I want to assure the citizens of Sorcado that Mistshire will not fall to any demon lord while I hold a council seat.”
“The demon lord is not coming. He was locked away a century ago, and no scientific evidence has yet been presented that indicates any return.”
Bernardus
Bernardus: “The demon lord is not coming. He was locked away a century ago, and no scientific evidence has yet been presented that indicates any return. (Candidate was interrupted at this point to mention the proliferation of corpse flowers and the black veins appearing nightly on the moon, historically precursors to the return of a demon lord from the underworld). Look, you can’t believe everything you read. And even if a demon lord comes back, I’m working on something that will protect us all. Something big. And I’ll reveal it very soon. Very soon. You’ll all be amazed at how amazing it is. So vote for me, because only I can protect Mistshire from the demon lord who is absolutely not returning to destroy all of Sorcado.”
Our traveling Bard recently sat down with one of Greenview’s most wily thieves. She agreed to this interview on the condition of anonymity.
Bard: So what drew you to thieving?
Thief: Well, I’m what you call a “natural.” My mom says I was stealing things before I could walk. Little things, then, of course. A dropped spoon on the floor. Spare change from the couch cushions. Kibble from the dog’s dish, but I think most babies do that, don’t they? As I got older, I learned how not to get caught, which is the most important thing, isn’t it? I mean, most people think it’s the taking of the thing that’s important, but anyone can just take stuff. It’s getting away with it…that’s really the thing.
Bard: What’s your proudest achievement?
Thief: (laughs) Well, if I told you that, I wouldn’t be getting away with it, would I? But if you swear not to tell my name, I’ll let you in on a little secret. You know that big green jewel on that statue outside the temple on the square? Bard: One-Eyed Horace, the Frasian God of Lightning? Thief: No, not that one. The big one.
Bard: Zininnia, Goddess of Noises You Hear in the Night When No One Else is Home and the Cat’s Asleep?
Thief: No, the other side of the street.Bard: Wait, you mean the Jewel of Drool?Thief: (smiles) The very one.
Bard: You stole the Jewel of Drool?
Thief: Sure did.
Bard: But I just passed there on the way to this interview. It’s still there.
Thief: Is it?
Bard: Yes
Thief: But…IS it? Are you sure?
Bard: Yes.
Thief: Ah. Well. Huh. Well anyway, gotta run. Thanks for the interview. It was great. And thanks for the knife.
Bard: What knife?–
The Sorcado Gazette reports that the thief did, in fact, abscond with our Bard’s table knife. And guards at the Temple of the Dog have examined the statue of Bowser and found the Jewel of Drool mounted in its collar to be a fake. But, they explained, this is completely normal, as the real Jewel is kept in a secret location and only used for ceremonial purposes on The Remembrance of the Battle of Bath, and the celebration of the Festival of Sniff.
An intrepid Bard from the Merrowwall Times, our sister newsparchment down south, shares this compelling story:
Dear Readers, I must tell you a harrowing tale. In an effort to bring you the most up-to-date and unbiased news, I have recently returned from an undisclosed location where I was granted an audience with Ricarrrrrrrdo, head of the notorious Ahnk-knee underworld vampire family. To get to this interview, I met with a dark, hooded figure in a predetermined location on a moonless night. I was searched for weapons, bound hand and foot, a sack placed over my head, and transported in the back of a carriage. We traveled for over an hour, leaving the cobbles of the city and traveling over rough countryside. I cannot report on the location of the interview except to say that I was carried indoors and down a flight of stairs into what smelled like a wine cellar, lit only by a single candle, where the sack was removed from my head. Ricarrrrrrrdo was a charming host, apologizing for the clandestine manner of my transport. I assured him that I completely understood. I then proceed to ask him about several unsolved homicides in the city, about which he claimed no knowledge. He also had no information about the recent theft of three large chests of gold from the city treasury, the sinking of two royal law enforcement ships rumored to contain whistleblowers bound for Montgomery to testify in a high-level espionage ring, nor the late-night departure of six black carriages suspected of carrying prohibited magical items considered a serious threat to public safety. I was served several fine bottles of aged red wine, with a nice selection of cheese, and a couple of spiced sausages that tasted like chicken. My host drank from his own chalice and did not partake of the fine hors d’oeuvres. When the interview concluded, I was once again hooded with the sack and returned to the city, having learned only that 1346 was an excellent year for Cabernet, and that riding trussed in the back of a carriage over rough terrain is not advised with a stomach full of sausage that tasted like, but almost certainly was not, chicken.
The Sorcado Gazette is proud to welcome our newest Food Columnist, a Death Crest Ape straight from the Harambe Forest. –Ape happy to make food. Recipe time.
Make food for family. Share food. Food good.
Death Crest Ape
First recipe: Mashed bananas.
- Take bananas.
- Mash bananas.
- Eat bananas.
Good recipe. Five star.
Next recipe: Whole bananas.
- Take bananas.
- Peel bananas.
- Eat bananas.
Pretty good recipe. Four star.
Next recipe: Broccoli Surprise.
- Take bananas.
- Peel bananas.
- Tell family it broccoli.
- Yell, “Surprise! It bananas!”
Best recipe. One hundred star.
Next week, more recipe.
Sports
Sorcado Gazette is pleased to bring you the weekend’s sports report, from our own Hill Giant Ton-yee.-It was a big weekend for sports, and I’ve got all the highlights.
Our own Montgomery Graniteers, Sorcado’s only all-Stone Giant kicking-ball team slaughtered the Eastborough Bellweathers with a score of 673-0. And when I say slaughtered, I literally mean slaughtered. The Graniteers made an early play, stomping down the field on first possession. Only three of the Bellweathers were able to get out of the way, surviving the first attempt on goal. All three of those players were killed when an offsides call turned ugly. Three referees and approximately three hundred fans were also killed in the resulting brawl. With no one left to blow a whistle, the Graniteers continued playing unopposed until they got bored and wandered off. Volunteers are still searching the wreckage for survivors, and a final death count is being withheld until all families have been notified.
In other news, the remaining teams on the Graniteers’ schedules have all forfeited, leaving our famous kicking-ball giants a shoo-in for the national championship title again this year.
This week’s highly-anticipated rematch between the Aelwick Werewolves and the Westloch Mariners ended in predictable tragedy. Postponed from last week, the game was subject to a rain delay. When the clouds finally let up, the rising full moon led to chaos on the field and among the fans. When reached later for comment, the Werewolves’ Alpha player thanked the Mariners for being good sports, and also for being delicious.
Next week, join me for an exclusive interview with the captain of the Valleyview Vampires, where we’ll learn about her diet and exercise tips, and how she keeps her famous sunless tan all year long.
Rorback – A group of adventurers drew quite a crowd today in an ordinarily quiet patch of forest. Sources say they were ambushed by a Cat Person, and the ensuing battle caused a stir. Some of the magic used was quite advanced, and witnesses differ in their accounts. “It was dark magic, that’s for sure,” said one woman, who asked not to be named. A second witness denied that claim, stating, “Ain’t no magic too dark for a Cat Guy. That thing’s been hanging around here for months. Hope he learned him a lesson, and don’t come back.”
We recently caught up with the Cat Person in question, and he had this to say: “Adventurers. Bards and Barbarians, and…I don’t know. There I was minding my business, hunting for a nice fat rat for lunch, and BAM. They were all over me. Wanting to know what I was doing. Where I lived. Why I was hanging around the village. Why wouldn’t I hang around the village? Village is where the rats are. Those people. They want me gone? Fine. When all your basements are full of fat, sassy rats, who will they be crying for? Who will they wish was still there to make a fat rat stew? And will I come help them? Yes. Yes, I will. Because that’s what Cat People do. We eat rats.”
The Cat Person showed us some bruises and patches of lost fur from the battle and asked us to mention that he’s available for vermin infestations, no job too small. Contact SolarFlare Studio for more information.
Kast Mill – Our intrepid Bard recently caught up with a band of adventurers who continue to cause a stir in the northern regions of the country. Just inside the walls of Kast Mill, they found themselves in a pitched battle with a local Necromancer, leaving quite a mess in the dark alley where the fight took place.
When asked for details, the adventurers’ Cleric had this to say:
“We don’t hold with necromancy where I’m from. While it’s always tragic when someone shuffles off to the underworld, that’s just the way of things. Dead folk have to learn to stay dead. Otherwise, it’s just chaos.”
The Necromancer tells a different tale. We caught up to her in a local pub just after the fight.“It’s not like anyone chooses Necromancy,” she said, sipping from a jeweled chalice. “I mean, who’d want to hang out with dead people all the time? They’re always whining about how they died, and how the grandkids don’t even bother tending their graves anymore. No flowers. Just overgrown with weeds. And no matter what you do, they still smell. Do you know how often I have to send out laundry just to keep the dead-guy smell off my gowns? And don’t even get me started on the living.”
She continued her concerns in a lower voice. “By day, it’s all, ‘Oh, Necromancy is so evil. Why do we let this sort of thing go on?’ But when it’s time to divvy up Grandpa’s assets and no one can seem to find where he hid the chest of gold he won off those pirates all those years ago, well, who do they call? ‘Oh, Necromancer, can’t you just go dig up Grandpa for a couple of minutes? He’d want us to have it!’
“Trust me,” she said, peering over the edge of her chalice. “If he wanted you to have it, he wouldn’t have hidden it in the first place.”
Classified Ad
For Sale, Lamp, Good Condition
Every week, the Sorcado Gazette brings you the best classified ads from around Sorcado. We caught up with the seller of this lamp and asked what makes it so special.
Gazette: So tell us more about this unusual artifact. Where did you get it?
Djinn: Get it? You don’t “get” a Djinn lamp. It gets you. One minute you’re sailing around the country, granting wishes and making sure the wisher ends up wishing they’d never met you, and then BAM! Somebody remembers the damn lamp spell and rubs the thing, and down you go, sucked inside, smelling citronella oil, all curled up like a hermit crab. How long are you in there? Who knows? Could be an hour. Could be a thousand years.
Gazette: So why are you selling it now?
Djinn: Well, it’s ruined, isn’t it? I finally fall asleep in there, just get comfortable, and some stupid band of adventurers knocks it over and sets me free. I’m just about to offer them three wishes when they attack me. Did you know we can grant our own wishes? Well, we can. So I wish to kick their butts, which I totally do, by the way, but one of them steps right on the lamp, bends the nozzle so I barely even fit inside anymore. And do they apologize? Do they offer to replace it? No, they do not. Just waltz away like I’m not practically homeless now.
Gazette: Anything else you’d like to say?
Djinn: So it’s for sale, and I’m willing to take a hit on it. Still works fine as a lamp, with the oil and stuff. Or I’d be happy to trade for, you know, a bigger one. Doesn’t need to be anything fancy, but an indoor bathroom would be great, maybe a little space for crafting, or a giftwrap closet. Some storage for the holiday decorations would be a big plus. And…hey, don’t touch that. What are you doing? No, don’t rub it–
The Gazette reminds its readers that all classified ad sales are final.
Obituaries
The Sorcado Gazette’s regular Obituary compiler is out sick this week, so we’ve asked our local Night With Kairah to fill in.
Gertrude Barker Hogg (93): Beloved wife, mother of four, grandmother of seventeen, great-grandmother of twelve. Preceded in death by her husband Horace, sister Marta Barker Gunter, and brother Boris Barker. Mrs. Hogg wishes her family to know that she’s very happy to have joined the undead horde, and hopes that her recipe book was handed down to her daughter Matilda, as specified in her will. She wished her daughter luck, as she continued her own mother’s tradition of leaving out one key ingredient from each one.
Adolphus Hunt (72): Beloved husband, father of three, grandfather of four (Richard doesn’t count), preceded in death by his wife and one son. Mr. Hunt requests that his children stop digging up his rose garden looking for the family savings he buried before his death. He wishes his heirs to know that if he wanted them to have it, he wouldn’t have buried it in the first place, and anyway, it’s not in the rose garden.
Rebecka Blonth (83): Beloved wife, mother of six, grandmother of twelve. She would like her son Reginald to know that she always loved him best, and requests that her daughter-in-law, the woman who tricked Reginald into marrying her when he could have done so much better, kindly give back the ruby ring she stole off the deceased’s hand before the burial, and leave it on the front porch so that Mrs. Blonth is not forced to enter the home and retrieve it herself. She further requests that her pink gown be left on the porch as well since the daughter-in-law knew she hated the blue one but buried her in it anyway, and blue does not compliment her current undead skin tone, which she would know if she paid attention to anyone other than herself for once.
The Gazette sends its best wishes to our regular Obituary compiler for a speedy recovery.
Weather
The Sorcado Gazette welcomes the newest member of our meteorological team, Cloud Giant Enrikayze, with his first weather report.
An extremely dark evil front has moved in from the North, and it’s playing havoc with our usual weather patterns. My cousin Murray and his cumulonimbus family have swept across the northern plains and are currently taking refuge in the Mistgrove Mountain region. Expect widespread flooding from Windimar all the way south to Bellwyn.
Someone pissed off my mother-in-law, resulting in a tropical storm that’s expected to make landfall along the Shoreford coast by noon tomorrow. She has stated that a suitable apology might help her reconsider and turn north, but good luck figuring out what she thinks is suitable. Gods know I’ve tried.
Due to a miscommunication between my brother Emmet and his wife’s family, the entire Estermoor plains have become a no-man’s-land for clouds. Expect the drought there to continue well into next year unless somebody speaks Kanatchian and volunteers to translate and mediate the ongoing difficulty. Safety of said translator not guaranteed.
Next week join me for a special report on weatherproofing your home, including appropriate offerings and sacrifices.
HELP WANTED: Assistant Forge Assistants needed to assist the Forge Assistant to a prominent Forgemaster in Mistshire’s Shadowwell district. Preferred applicants will be punctual, results-driven, goal-oriented, and must provide their own fire-retardant gear. Eyebrows optional, background check not required. We spoke with Dianon, the Forge Assistant who is overseeing the interview process.Gazette: So you mention that your ideal candidate will be goal-oriented. What sort of goals should those interested be prepared to discuss?Dianon: Well, the primary goal of an Assistant Forge Assistant is to ensure the survival and overall wellbeing of the Forge Assistant they’re assisting. Their own survival is, of course, a worthy goal, though not actually a requirement. Gazette: Is there a deadline for applicants?Dianon: No. It’s a rolling application process. If we don’t have an opening today, we’ll certainly keep resumes on file for when a new position becomes available, generally on a weekly basis.Gazette: And why is the position open now? Is the Forge expanding?Dianon: Not expanding, as such. Maintaining. There’s always opportunity for a hardworking Assistant’s Assistant. Especially one with relatively thick skin. Or skin that they’re not particularly attached to. Gazette: Can they contact any current or former employees to get a feel for what the job entails?Dianon: No. Well, there might be one or two at the Mistgrove Shiner’s Burn Institute. Not sure they’re in any condition to talk. But the Shadowwell Forge is committed to occupational safety. And we offer comprehensive insurance, including disability and benefits for next of kin. Plus every third Saturday off. And Fridays are pizza party lunch, so…The Gazette encourages all qualified applicants to consider this exciting opportunity. Direct all inquiries to the classified office on Tuesdays or Thursdays between 11:45 and 12:03 PM.
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